I remember, in grade five, it was a split class.
I was still sort of, kind of in the game of school, in the game of this girl I supposedly was, this girl 'they' said I was, but swiftly, rapidly losing interest in doing anything I was asked to do anymore (No one would ever know why.. I didn't even know why, then) I was sun kissed, deep golden tanned (a tan I could never have now, somehow), mid-back length white sparkling blonde (of the true variety, the sun had truly bleached my virgin blonde hair). I chose to crimp my hair, sometimes, and wear fluorescent everything, hot hot pink was still my favorite color, and kitty cats, music, and riding my bike were still my truest loves. As it was, I was madly in young, unrequited, but also unsought, love with a BOY. and that had taken my entire little passionate soul into its grip. I have no idea where ten-year-old me learned to base her very happiness and sense of existence on whether ten-year-old him glanced at me in a way that might mean love.. (and what did I know about love?)... But there I was. Basing everything on his attention.. Which was, realistically, next to none. So I was.. a sad, self deprecating, empty little girl. I sat there seeking one tiny recognition that I might be a bright light in a perfect storm of adolescent absurdity. Dreaming that if he said one kind word or even one word at ALL, to me.. I might be worth...something. ('you are worth EVERYTHING!!' screams forty-year-old me, to this ten-year-old sad, beautiful, lost little girl.. hoping she can still hear me now.) I could sit and ponder the true effect of this on the rest of my life. But, Right now. I won't. Back to the boy. So I just read an article (on social media, which I am FOREVER grateful I did not have in grade five 1989, when the worst thing that could happen is your friends showing your biggest crush a note you wrote about how much you like them Which...did happen to me.. But I prefer it, over the alternative) So this article was about truths that are... unexplainably true, but true nonetheless. And the reason I'm even here talking right now.. Is truth number one, in this article 'what's the difference between falling in love and a crush' 'If they get a haircut and they're ugly it's a crush' I am in Mr. K's class. I think it's science. We haven't begun, I am floating on the surface of presence in the room. I sit there, wiggly, antsy, dreading the next hour or so of my life, like it's the end of it. I am looking around desperately for something interesting to take me away. And then.. There he is. The object of my traumatic tween affection. He walks into the classroom.. With a haircut! I am jolted back from my position on my seat, hoping he didn't notice... Hoping no one noticed. Where did he go? The boy I coveted in the worst way.. (Though I have no idea what I would have done once I 'got' him??) Look at him! Who IS that?? That's not the boy of my dreams. Why would he do this to me... My fragile heart broken by his sudden attack on my reality. Literally was so upset, I thought my life was over. I am so amused now. Took me a week to get used to his hair, and then, carry on with my infatuation. And what do I know about love now? Well... Not much But I've loved every haircut
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